El vacío

I'm sure some of you think that I'm an attention whore with all these posts about depression and anxiety. You're partly right – I'm looking for attention, but not for myself. I want people to know more about what it's like to struggle with mental illnesses and how badly we're sometimes treated because of the stigma. For years I kept everything inside because I didn't want to bother anyone (a typical saying among Borderline people) but now I've stopped giving a poo.

Ever since I came back to Barcelona last week, I've had a really hard time with getting back to the routine. I haven't had motivation to do anything, just felt empty. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't have anything to look forward to until the Internacia Junulara Kongreso in August, and for some reason all agencies I work with are late with their payments, so my options are even more limited than usually. I wanted to go to the metal festival in Madrid next week but now I'll just have to drink kalimotxo at home while watching some concerts on YouTube.

I've told some of my friends that I'm struggling and they were quite surprised – apparently I don't seem depressed. I'm always a bit hesitant to tell new people about my history with depression and anxiety because these problems tend to be so generalized. Oh, you're depressed? But I just saw you smiling an hour ago! or You need to relax more, why don't you take a bath and stop worrying? are some of the things I keep hearing. Then people – who have absolutely no idea what it's like to struggle with depression and anxiety – tell me to watch a funny movie, drink sea water or move back to Finland. I've also gotten dozens of dietary suggestions from people I know – I guess they have no idea that when I have to worry about getting all payments in time in order to be able to pay the rent or trying to find the energy to leave the house, I'd rather not get anxious about constantly checking if a product has carbohydrates or milk.

And guess what? Yes, a funny movie might provide a quick help but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like I've failed with life. Yes, I might feel dead inside even if I'm pissing myself laughing after hearing a joke. Yes, I dislike Barcelona, but I won't move back to Finland because there I'd feel even worse. And I'm doing so much better nowadays – you know what I'm talking about if you hung out with me in 2009–2011 or in 2016. My depression and BPD-infected way of seeing things has cost me quite a few things in life, like good grades at school/university, job opportunities, even relationships.

I met with my wonderful (Basque!) therapist on Thursday and he was worried about me not wanting to do anything. Sure, there are many things going on in Barcelona, but they are either full of tourists or there's simply too much people. I have also given up on even trying to make new friends here – not to mention Tinder, which I uninstalled a while ago. The plan right now is to focus on work and this newly-found passion to make nice salads that I have developed recently. And, if a miracle happens and I get paid, I'd love to go to Bilbao next month to see Gorillaz.

Sorry for all this nonsensical banter, I'm just really fed up with this stupid feeling of emptiness. And for anyone who is lucky enough to NOT know what it feels like to be depressed/anxious/etc., please be careful with your suggestions, as sometimes they don't help at all – at least for me, some of them make me feel even worse. Mental illnesses are never our choice. I'd much rather enjoy life while sipping on a nice cocktail and laughing with friends than struggling to leave the house or crying over an ingredient I accidentally dropped on the floor while cooking.

I'll try to write about something nicer next time.

Cheering for Iceland 2 days ago. Before this I had had a major anxiety attack, and a few hours after the Iceland–Argentina match I had a crying marathon because the next day was gonna be Sunday. Depression can have many faces, not just the stereotypical zombie one.